Trendy Depression.


Many people have talked about depression, but few understand what it is and how it feels. Most people just assume it’s a profound feeling of sadness and if the person just goes out and has a good time it will just go away. Well depression isn’t so black and white, it floats in this not quite gray area, it comes and goes when it pleases and holds no regard for you happiness. For instance you could be having the best day ever, not a single thing has gone wrong then all of a sudden you’re over come with this almost numb feeling. Nothing matters anymore, you feel nothing, you just want to go home and lay in bed.

That’s just a part of depression, it’s a numbness that you can’t control, it’s a tiny person sitting on your shoulder telling you to just go home because none of these people, you’re so-called friends like you. It’s constantly battling with yourself to eat, shower, brush your hair, go to work, it tries and stops you from doing the most basic of human function simply because you have lost the will to care. It’s not some fad mental illness, it’s not cute, it’s not trendy. It’s life altering, it can destroy every relationship you have and can even destroy you. It can make you feel that the world and people in your life do not require your existence like you’ve over stayed you’re welcome.

I’ve been fighting this battle unmedicated  every day for 10 years. I have seen a therapist who has helped me more than I could ever help myself alone. I have fought hard just to get up the strength to take a shower, I fight to over come the thoughts in my head that tell me to just end my suffering. I fight to be productive, I fight to gather the strength to lift myself from my bed every morning when every part of me says to stay. Depression is not cute, it’s a constant battle to stay alive when everything in you says it’s not worth it.

There are 16.2 million adults in the US that suffer from depression that 6.7 percent of the US population many of which suffer in silence. The sad part is that only 1 in 5 people will receive treatment within current practice guidelines and 37 percent of adults won’t receive treatment at all. Depression is a disability that costs the US economy $210.5 billion a year that’s 48 to 50 percent of economic costs attributed to absences and loss of productivity in the work place.

Is depression still cute? Is it still trendy? No, yeah I didn’t think so.

Thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to read,follow,comment, and share my post and website. I want my readers to know that if you or someone you love is suffering from depression please talk to them. Try and get them to seek professional help. You might be the only thing that could save that person’s life. 

A Bright Light In A Dark Place: Healing From A Miscarriage.

For those of us that have gone through a miscarriage it can be very difficult for us to be happy for anyone else that’s having a happy and healthy pregnancy. It’s a constant reminder of the life we once carried that was unforgivably taken from us, but for some it can be almost healing. It can help us over come the fear that we’ll never be able to have a happy and healthy baby of our own.

For those of you that don’t know my husband and I, back in November, found out that we were pregnant. We were over the moon as we had been trying for nearly two years to conceive. On December 5th I started to bleed, I went to the hospital a week later as my doctor’s would not see me will December 21st. I figured if this was a miscarriage like the one I had in April then there was nothing I or anyone could do, but when I went to the emergency room the doctors said my levels were great and the babies looked fine. I was absolutely floored. We weren’t just blessed with one baby, but two! We were going to have twins!

Fast forward to Christmas morning, Nick and I had prepared to tell our parents. Both my mom and Nick’s mom were so excited to become grandparents. It was the best Christmas ever, we couldn’t wait to start planning we even picked out names. On December 28th we had an ultrasound appointment, the doctors couldn’t find my babies, just two empty sacks, by them I should have been nine weeks. Over the next month and back to back appointments. I was told I was having what is called a blighted ovum, basically the egg was fertilized and had snuggled in nicely, for the next nine months, but somewhere around six weeks, my body decided my babies were good enough, my levels continued to rise and I had no indication something was wrong.

At just three days shy of thirteen weeks, I had to have a D&E to have my babies removed, My body had not recognized that my babies were gone and the pregnancy had ended. My heart shattered that day, my whole world had caved in on me and there was absolutely nothing I or anyone could do to stop it. I spent the night before saying my final farewells to the children I will never hold, hug, kiss, or cuddle. I had no choice but to deal with the emotional and physical pain I was dealt. I stitched myself back together with all the my broken hopes and dreams and went on with life as though everything was okay.

I did everything I could to keep my mind off the pain, when one day while helping a friend, I found out she was pregnant, just days shy of my loss. I had expected my heart to shatter and fill with anger and rage, but it didn’t. I didn’t hate her for having something I was denied, I was filled with such joy and excitement. I poured all my love, hopes, and dreams into this tiny little thing that I have never even met yet. I thought I was going to just be this forever broken creature but then, just when I thought my life was dark, this tiny little baby no bigger then a poppy-seed brought me so much hope.

Everyday since I have poured my love and devotion into this beautiful creature. It’s given me the strength to know that one day I’ll have a baby of my own. I’ll one day be the mother I’ve always dreamt of being, but until that day I will love my new Godbaby with everything I am, with this tiny miracle I’ll become the best mom I can be, but for right now I’ll be the best Godmother I can be.


My Journey Through Adoption

Most people don’t understand adoption I know when I was younger I really didn’t. I didn’t grow up feeling like I was unwanted or unloved, but there was always a part of me that felt not quite while. Like something was missing, but I didn’t quite know what it was. I remember how my adopted sister and I found out, it was literally by accident. My mom was signing us up for school and my sister got tired of waiting for her to finish up and walked into the office and over heard my mom telling the principle that we were adopted. My sister ran out of the building and started sobbing I asked her what happened and she said “We’re adopted!”. My mom was trying to comfort my sister and then came to me and asked if I was okay and asked if we were still going to McDonald’s.

Since then I never gave it much thought, we grew up and my sister recovered from the news. We eventually started making up fake back stories about our biological families. My sister for instance said she was from Italy and I said I was from Ireland, we had fun with it and it never bothered me. I never really cared where I came from I knew I was loved and to me my adoptive parents were always my real parents and my adoptive sister was always my real sister. It wasn’t until we turned eighteen that my sister started asking my parents where she came from and who her biological mother was. Which for my parents was a very tough situation.

My sister’s mother was eighteen when she had her with no place to go so she chose to give her child up for adoption, by fates design she had given birth at the same hospital my dad was working at. My parents had been looking to adopt a child for a couple of years at that point and when the doctor who delivered my sister came to my dad and asked if he would like to adopt her, without question or hesitation he said yes. That was back in February of 1992.

Fast forward six months to a small town called Sharon in Pennsylvania, 6 miles from the border of Ohio I was born, August 27th 1992. My uncle who lived in Sharon practicing law was the one who helped my biological mother find me a home. She had signed over all legal and parental rights to me. My aunt and uncle took me in and contacted my adoptive parent’s back in New Jersey and asked if they wanted to adopt another baby and my mother drove with her friend the seven hours to come meet and adopt me. I was only a couple of days old at this point.

My life up until about six years ago had been uncomplicated, I wasn’t looking for my biological family, but my mother always insisted that we would find them. It never really mattered to me, I had asked my parents for my adoption paper work and I went digging myself. I didn’t know about my uncle being involved until I was twenty. He had refused to give my parents any information on my adoption other than whatever paperwork I came with so I had to go about finding my bio family almost entirely alone.

Over the years I had given up my search after many dead ends and bureaucratic red tape I had just simply lost the interest to keep looking, I had come to terms with never knowing my biological family. That was until my father became ill, I dropped out of college and moved home to help take care of him, my father past away in 2014 when just a couple days shy of my twenty-second birthday.

After his passing I emailed my uncle about the adoption and he gave me very little answers. I spent the next three years looking on my own for them, until I submitted an ancestry DNA test. I finally received my results May 25th 2017 and was connected with my second cousin Raine. She knew who my bio mother was and said she would message me on Facebook. She messaged me on Facebook and I froze. I had finally been confronted with this life changing situation, what in the world was I gonna do?

I had always had imagined a reunion with my bio family and had always thought it was going to be this amazing and loving experience. My expectations were high, when I should have kept myself guarded. I had found out my mothers name was Linda and I had five siblings! Three older brothers and two older sisters, a whole family living just a seven hour drive from where I live! It was crazy and exciting, but at the same time I had this nagging feeling I was jumping into someones life I had not been in for the past twenty-five years.

Linda and I had exchanged a few Facebook messages and she told me it was okay to contact my siblings to which I did and I was able to strike up a decent relationship with my brother Steven, but after awhile and trying to set up a time so we can meet in person. It felt that everyone was pulling back from me, I had just found my biological family and I felt I was already losing them. Maybe I caused issues, or opened old wounds that had been stitched back together for over two decades that I just unknowingly ripped open.

I was so scared I was losing them, I decided to pull back and give them their space. My intent was never to hurt anyone or force anyone to know who I was, but I had this desire to know more, like what do my siblings and I have in common? Do I have my mothers eyes or my fathers nose? I had more unanswered questions then I did before when I never knew them. I still hold out hope that one day when everyone is ready I’ll be able to make the drive to Sharon and I’ll be able to hug my siblings and my mom and thank her in person for making the toughest decision of her life and then maybe I’ll find out if I have my mothers eye’s and my fathers nose.



Myths About Redhead’s And Why I Love It.

If someone you don’t already know I am a natural-born red-head aka Ginger. No, I don’t steal souls, and the jury is still out on whether or not I actually have a soul. I really enjoy being a ginger. Everyone loves my hair color, green looks awesome on me, and most men are afraid to piss me off which is a bonus. I can attribute my red locks to two things, the fact that I am Irish and Scottish. Yes, I am aware that those two places hate each other with a passion that can only be fueled by old grudges and bottomless pints of Guinness.


This is probably the most accurate photo of some old Irish drunkards.

When I was younger I hated my hair color, I always wanted to dye it, but my mother wouldn’t let me. She always told me “People pay for that hair color.” Which I always found odd, but as I got older I understood, people actually did and still do pay to have their hair dyed red which is something I’ve never had to do. My hair has gotten a little darker over the years, but it still retains is fiery red glow.

I think the best thing about red heads is that we basically have superpowers! For instance we produce our own Vitamin D, we have a higher pain tolerance than most, and we require more anesthesia to put us under, but even though we have superpowers it always hasn’t been a great time to be a ginger! In the sixteenth and eighteenth centuries redhead’s were seen as being affiliated with satan and satanic practices.

Still today in parts of Africa that practice voodoo and have a belief system that’s heavily influenced by magic, redhead’s are seen as witches! I personally have never been called a witch, but its insane that redheads have so much power that we’re akin to supernatural beings.

I wish I knew how cool my hair was when I was growing up, but I am really lucky I’ve grown to appreciate and love my rare hair type. I do wish my hair was lighter than it actually is, but even still to this day I am hesitant to dye my hair for fear of not being able to get my natural hair color back, hopefully I never lose my red color, but if I do I’ll defiantly be dying my hair red again.





10 Things Things That Made My Life Easier.

I’ve gone over much debate with myself about making a list post, but I’ve finally narrowed down what I’d like to post about. All the points on this list have helped me in one way or another and I hope they’ll help you too, cause who doesn’t need help every once in a while.

Before we get started I am in no way an affiliate with any product or business on this list. I use them because they work and hopefully they’ll work for you.


  1. Save money without thinking about it with Albert! I’ve been using this app since December and it has helped me save money, by putting a little bit here and there into a free savings account on the app. You can set a goal and take funds out at anytime. I am horrible when it comes to money management, but this app has helped me understand it a little better. You can add your monthly bills to it and your bank account info and it’ll tell you where to cut back on spending and how to help lower any monthly bills you have. It’s 100% free so if you don’t like it it’s no big deal.



2.  This app is great for getting rid of things around the house you don’t use anymore. My friend Kayla introduced me to this app and I’ve bought a few things off of the site. You can sell pretty much anything from old clothes,collectibles, and even furniture! It free to join and all the money you get from selling you can either use it in the app to buy other people’s stuff or you can have it deposited into your bank account. It’s helped me give life to my old clothes and it’s helped fatten my wallet a little.


download (1)3.Ever just get bored and go walk around Walmart? Well why not turn that boredom into a gift card! Shopkick is this really neat app that I’ve been using on and off for about four years now. One you launch the app you just click on the store you’re going into and Shopkick will give you points just for walking through the door. You can also earn points by scanning products with your phone’s camera. When you’ve racked up those points you’ll be able to exchange them for digital gift cards for thousands of stores.


4. For those of you with Comcast internet this app is great. Xfinity Xfi lets you control and see your internet usage. You can see what types of devices are connected and you can assign them to a specific person in your home, also you can control who has access to the wifi for example if its dinner time and you want everyone at the table you can turn off individual devices it really helps so you’re not screaming across the house yelling “dinners ready” like a lunatic. I mostly use it to help reset the router if there is an issue with the internet and to check and see when the most usage is occurring.


5. If you don’t already know about Venmo its a great free app that allows you to send and receive money from friends and family. My friend Carmen showed me this about two years ago and it’s really come in handy when I don’t have cash, but need to pay someone back for lunch. It’s easy and free to set up and you can connect it directly to your bank account or paypal. It helps a lot if you have teenage kids or kids in college all your kids have to do is ask for a dollar amount through the app  and you’ll receive a request. You can even put in a description about what the money’s for.


6. If you’re not good with credit cards and need some help getting your payments together give Tally a try. It’s a credit card manager that helps keep all your cards in one place and instead of making several different payments each month Tally takes them and makes one lump sum that you pay off each month. They also offer Debt Management, Late Fee Protection, and lines of Credit. This is great for a person like me since I forget most of the time when my payments are due. It’s free to download so it can’t hurt to try!



7. If you enjoy online shopping  then you need Dashlane. Dashlane helps store all your logins for all your favorite sites it’ll also keep record of your confirmation numbers from your purchases so you wont have to dig through your email. The app is free, but the do have a premium option ($4.99/per month) which is worth it if you do most if not all of your shopping online.  It’ll also help protect you from identity theft.


8.Yes, I know the name is funny, but it’s actually a really neat app. If you’re at the movies and that xlarge soda is rearing its ugly head you have two choices hold it till your kidneys float or run to the bathroom and hope you don’t miss anything important. Well with RunPee you can pick the perfect time to go! Just pick the movie you’re seeing and RunPee will tell you when the best time is to go use the rest room. You can even set a vibrating alarm to let you know when its time to go.


9. Ever go to the gym and see something on the TV that you want to listen to, but you can’t hear it or its muted? Well Tunity is a neat app that allows you to scan any nearby tv and it will allow you to listen to what is on that tv through your headphones or speaker. It’s a fun and free little app to use especially if you’re like me and enjoy watching Food Network while you work out!

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10. Ever go on instagram or online and see an outfit you really like, but there’s no way to tell who made it or where it came from. Well with Screenshop that all ends now! With this app all you do is upload a screenshot of a photo of the outfit you like and voila! Screenshop has just uploaded tons of pieces similar to the picture! It’s really neat and it might not make your life easier, but hey it sure is neat.











Love is ugly

Love, it’s the strongest word known to man, one four letter word can make us or break us. It should never be taken or spoken of lightly. So why do we live in a generation of people who use it to describe every relationship they’re in? Are they actually in love? Or are they just saying they are in love to describe the lust they have for someone?

In reality love is painful and ugly, but it can also be beautiful and life changing. Love can make us do insane things we normally would never do. It can change us into a person we barely recognize, it can change our way of thinking. It can consume us in ways we didn’t think possible, but it can also break us beyond repair.

How can something so powerful and good, be turned into something so casual and meaningless? For example if you had all the money in the world would you be upset if something like you car broke down? No, you’d just go out and buy a new one. The car was meaningless, you could walk into any dealership and buy a brand new one and not even bat an eye at how much it cost. Well the word love has morphed into that, it has become almost meaningless to some, and to others it can be the only thing that matters.

When we just throw the word love around we lose its actual meaning a purpose along the way. It becomes just an everyday word. Love shouldn’t be used to describe something we like, but wouldn’t be too upset to lose. Love is everything that is good and every struggle you’ll have. A relationship where there is love is not easy or perfect though it may seem. It look years of struggles and fighting for each other, it’s about the long sleepless nights taking care of your sick husband even though you’ve just worked a 9 hour shift and all you want to so is sleep, it’s about sitting at home for weeks watching tv and eating ramen because you can’t afford to go out anywhere, it’s about holding your wife while she’s crying after she just found out she has cancer and telling her everything going to be okay, when in reality you have no idea.

Love is ugly and hard, but it’s also so beautiful. We’ve forgotten the ugly parts of love, because we want everything to be just like the movies. We see love as some superficial thing, we think buying someone flowers or expensive gifts is love and yes as nice as those things might be, who’s gonna be there for you when all the money’s gone or when your looks fade away? Who’s gonna hold you and be there for you when it seems like the whole world has turned is back on you?

Diamonds fade and flowers die, but the true love you find with someone when the chips are down and there is nothing left to lose. That’s the kind of love you want, you want that love when you’re in old and grey, you’ll want someone who’s lived a life with you, you want a comrade who’s bought battles for you and with you and if you’ve found that kind of love don’t let it go. It’ll be messy and stressful at times, but I’d rather have someone live a life with me then be a temporary fixture.

“Love says: I’ve seen the ugly parts of you, and I’m staying. Our culture doesn’t love love; It loves the idea of love.It wants the emotion without the sacrifice.” -Matt Chandler

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PC Culture and why (some of it) isn’t so bad.

We’ve all heard of PC Culture and if you haven’t it is used to describe language, policies, or measures that are intended to avoid offense or disadvantage to members of particular groups in society (Thanks Wikipedia!). The cultural movement or the “culture war” started in the mid to late 20th century it took its gotten more momentum in the past five years due to a younger and more excepting generation of peoples.

Now I understand there is some confusion about what PC actually is, unfortunately it has become morphed into this whole cry baby and hurt feelings stance when in actuality that isn’t the case. PC culture can help us to become better people, it can help us become more aware of the plight and injustice done to our fellow man and give us a reason to help fight that injustice. For example my very good friend Carmen, she’s a feminist, activist, academic, and all around wonderful person and shes helped me a great deal with understanding how the culture works and that’s not some movement for some thin skinned crybabies.

She has introduced me to a fellow activist, Alexis Wilson who has pulled me farther down the rabbit hole so to speak. She is a sexual advocate, feminist, fellow blogger, social media rock star, and just all around amazing woman. She has helped me have a better understanding of the black community and the struggle’s they face daily and a grasp on sexuality and how a person can and should be able to express themselves without being shamed.

PC culture isn’t a bad thing, but it can be seen that way to the untrained eye. I’ve taken it upon myself to make my own judgement’s on the culture and to learn as much as I can from the people in my life who have spent their whole lives living and perfecting it. I’ve come to see that a lot of people refuse to move out of their comfort zones. They refuse to take a step in the direction of their true selves for fear of being ridiculed, bullied, mocked or even attacked. Now think for a second, how great would it be if we lived in a society where we could be who we truly are and be with who we truly love without dehumanizing someone, just because they decide to have a different lifestyle choice then us.

Why is that wrong? Do I not deserve to be treated like a human being because of a medical condition I have? Am I not entitled to the same pay as the rest of my coworkers? Am I not allowed to be who I truly am if  I decided I am not comfortable with the gender I was born with? I’m not hurting anyone, I’m not forcing my way of life down your throat. You see how that sounds? It sounds insane that someone based off the color of their skin or their ability to walk can be judged and treated lesser than anyone else just because some people are uncomfortable with their way of life.

So you see PC culture isn’t as bad as some people would like us to think. All its asking is for us to accept and respect someone who lives their life just a little differently than yours. We all just want to be loved, respected, and accepted by our fellow man, but in a world filled with hate and bigotry it can be hard to see the value of a person and it can be hard for us to accept someone who is a little different, but if we just educate ourselves and make an effort to better ourselves and become more understanding then we might just get to live in a world without hate.

If you’d like to learn more about PC Culture and other great articles about liberation and celebrating freedom of the self go and follow Alexis Wilson’s blog Blaqtavist right here on WordPress!

Gay flag pinted on fist.

But First Coffee.

If you don’t already know, I am not a morning person. I never have been and quite possibly never will be. I can not physically function anytime before about 11AM and before you ask yes, I am and adult and yes, I do value my sleep more than a dragon values its virgins and gold.

  This is the most accurate depiction of what I am like if anyone attempts to speak to me before 11AM and without at least four cups of coffee.

I am by all account a night owl, I love waking up late and staying up late. I work in a hotel at the front desk and if you are unfamiliar with how the shifts work at a hotel, well I am here to tell you. We have three shifts AM, PM, and Night Audit. Now AM is usually 7:30 AM-3:30 PM, PM is 3:30 PM-11:30 PM that’s my shift and Night Audit is 11:30 PM-7:30AM.

I have gotten it to the point at my job that most of my coworkers and managers know better than to schedule me for a morning shift, but if this happens and it does from time to time they are usually to afraid to tell me. I have not reacted well to this before. See related gif below.

Okay, that’s a little much, but I think you get my point. I just can’t do mornings, its in my blood to sleep late, I was born at night after all. I’m sure if I tried harder I’d become a morning person, but my night owl personality say “Screw that” and I kind of agree. I hate feeling exhausted to the point I can’t keep my eyes open, or being able to fall asleep standing up like a horse.

I commend morning people! Good for you all that can get up at the butt crack of dawn and be a productive member of society. Look at you! You breakfast having overachiever! My husband is a morning person, he can get up at 9 AM, have a cup of coffee and go about his day. Me on the other hand, he’ll wake up and do his best not to wake me up because he fears waking me up to early and having to suffer through several hours of hearing me cursing out everything including the cat that gets between me and a cup of coffee.

Now that I’ve adequately dogged on mornings, let me tell you why I love being a night owl. My favorite thing about waking up late is I feel more rested and by the time I wake up most if not all of the people I hangout have been awake and alert for hours now. I also enjoy the fact that almost all stores are still open and usually aren’t as packed as they would be in the morning, like the grocery store or the pharmacy.

I could list a thousand reasons as to why I enjoy sleeping in, but I’ll save that for another day. For now I’ll be slowly morph into some semblance of a human being seeing as I’ve been awake since 6:45 AM and it’s just barely hit 10:00 AM. God save my soul.

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Three Blind Mice: How others can see our issues when we can’t.

Have you ever been looked back on a past relationship and noticed all the bad things about it that you never noticed when you were actually in it? Do you look back on it and thing Why did I ever stay? Why didn’t I see all the blaring signs that this was not okay?

Well the long and shot of it is, you chose not to see the flaws. When we’re in a relationship we have a tendency to see through rose-colors glasses, we tend not to see the issues in our own relationships because we’ve become immune to it. We don’t see any issues with it because we either are comfortable or in love with that person when in reality we loved the person they once were.

Now I’m not talking about just romantic relationships I am talking about all our relationships we have, like friendships, partnerships, ect. We can become blind to the hurtful and unjust ways someone can treat us. We accept the fact that this is just the way things are and we become complacent and comfortable after spending months if not years being treated like less than what we are and what we deserve.

This is where the hard part comes in. TRUTH. Remember when you got so upset at your friend, colleague, or family member when they told you something they found wrong in your relationship? Remember when you finally found out they were right? That’s what I mean when I said we look through life with rose-glasses. Others can see the hurt and pain someone else is causing us, but we can’t, we chose not to. Now I’m not saying take everything anyone say as truth, but just listen to what they have to say.

Don’t dismiss it and don’t get angry about it, most of the time someone is trying to tell you something that is hard to hear because they love and respect you. They want to see you at your best and they want nothing, but the best for you.

We can’t sit in ignorance forever, if we do that will just lead us to our own unhappiness. Don’t waste your wonder years on someone who is just down right no good for you. Spend that time with someone who is worthy of your love, respect, time, and companionship. Don’t waste another moment one someone who will never see or understand the value of your worth.

We all make mistakes and that’s okay, its apart of being human, we’ll never stop making them, but we do need to learn from them. So listen to a friend or someone you can trust and listen to what they have to say, they might just be seeing something you’re blind to.

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Tattoo’s and the stories our bodies can tell.

What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the word tattoo? Do you think biker? Gang? Unemployed? Well growing up that’s what I hear, that tattoo’s were reserved for “dirty people”. Now I understand tattoo’s haven’t always had the best rap, until recently so I don’t fault anyone for having those ideas placed in my head. I mean I am someone daughter for crying out loud. Of course my parents didn’t want to see their precious angel covered in tattoo’s, but as I got older I started to understand the meaning behind why people are so addicted to getting them.

I went under the needle for the first time when I was eighteen, young, dumb, and stupid. I went to a tattoo shop over the summer with a high school friend of mine and got a four-leaf clover tattooed on the left side of my pelvis. It didn’t have any meaning other than the fact that I am Irish and Scottish and it looked cool. That first tattoo cost me $100, which now I understand was way to much money to pay for something no bigger then a silver dollar, but it’s apart of me and I’ve grown to love it. My next tattoo wouldn’t be till five years later, I got a stitched heart in red and black with the words famiglia inside it. I got this tattoo with a friend of mine, I have since had that tattoo covered up, by a beautiful water colored owl.

The reason I had my tattoo covered up was due to a falling out with that friend and the owl was there to remind me to always be wise about  my decisions in life. My next tattoo was not one of happiness. It is a black rose with the number thirteen inside it. I received this the day I lost my first baby, Friday April 13th, 2018. I was devastated and I needed something to block out my pain. I needed something to remind me that my baby was real and was mine. It is by far my favorite tattoo I have.

You see, I am not a “dirty person”, I am not in a gang, and I am not a biker, I am married and employed. I own a home and I drive an SUV. I am defined more by my actions then my tattoos. My tattoo’s tell my story, my pain, my happiness and for many people this is a type of therapy. I’ve gone with people to get tattoo’s to remember a lost loved one and tattoo’s to help a rape survivor reclaim her body. Tattoo’s aren’t meant for bad people. they are there to help people express how they feel in a way that helps them grow. I look back on all my tattoo’s and remember the lesson’s I’ve learned. They can help someone close a chapter of their life and help them move on.

Tattoo’s can be painful and are permanent, not to mention expensive pieces of art. So trust me when I say getting a tattoo isn’t just a spur of the moment idea, It’s a life altering one. We save and wait months to get a tattoo, we research artists and go to consultations. We pay deposits, and buy all the things we need to help heal and protect our artwork. Not to mention researching the tattoo show to make sure they are licensed in the stated and they have passed their blood born pathogens tests.

We don’t go into this lightly and for many of us our tattoo artist is like our therapist. They see our happiness and our pain and they listen to us, they share an understanding. They work so hard to make us feel comfortable and safe.  We sit for hours with artists as they painstakingly get every detail and line perfect. This is our therapy, this is what helps us heal and move on so we can close that chapter of our lives and start a new one.

So if you’re not into tattoo’s I understand and I don’t judge you for that, but I hope instead of seeing a “dirty person” I hope you see the warrior behind it all. I hope you see the woman who’s lost her babies and still fights the good fight, or the veteran honoring his service to this country, or the rape survivor who bravely says to the face of her attackers “this is my body and I am taking back whats mine”.  My body is a temple and I’m just painting the walls.

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