Dark and Twisty Christmas.

The holidays for most are a joyful time, filled with the love and laughter of friends and family. Unfortunately for others it can be a dark time full of what could have been and times of sorrow. For me personally Christmas is a hard time, around this time last year my husband and I had found out we were pregnant with twins, we anxiously awaited Christmas morning when our parents opened up their presents and found the ultrasound of their soon to be grandchildren.

Christmas day had arrived and everyone was so excited, the amount of joy we all experienced was something out of a movie, we laughed, we cried, we toasted to having two bundle of joys in the next coming months. The next month our dreams and happiness came crashing down as we had learned we had lost not one, but both of our babies. We were crushed, our joy turned into sorrow, I never fully recovered from what happened. Every month that goes by I think of how old they would have been and how happy we would have been. I feel this deep guilt, like I jipped my family out of their grandchildren when in reality there was nothing I could do, nothing I could have changed to change the outcome.

The holidays for some are a dark time, but we try to get into the spirit of things, we try to share in the joy with others even when we’re hurting deep down. Sometimes we forget that not everyone’s holidays are happy ones. Some have lost loved ones, some may have lost everything. We try to enjoy ourselves as best we can, but for some it may not be good enough. Under all the smiles and shared laughter, some deep down are hiding the hurt and grief so we don’t sully the holidays with sadness.

As I sit and write this I get waves of anxiety and sadness thinking about how joyful I was last December. Most of the people involved have moved on, but I can’t, I still find myself looking at the empty nursery, my old pregnancy tests that still read positive, and my one and only ultrasound photo. The only pieces of evident’s that my babies existed. It’s a hard time, but I push past the feeling for my loved ones. I still love the smile I see on my nephews face when he runs out to the Christmas tree to open all his presents, I still love going over to my mother in laws and having Christmas morning breakfast, I still love seeing my mom and eating the tenderloin my father use to make for us every Christmas day for dinner.

Please don’t forget the people who are having a hard time around the holidays, we want to share in the joy and fun too. We might not be really open about it and we may seem sad at times, but it will pass, sometimes we just need to be pulled out of our dark and twisty place. We do love the holidays and we want to have fun too, dont forget us please.

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