I’m so tired

I’m so tired of failure, my souls breaks every months. Every months it’s the same we try, we wait, we test, I bleed then the cycle repeats it’s self. I’m tired of feeling this emptiness in me, the place where my child should be, by now my belly would be huge with two beautiful little souls. I should be nesting and prepping for the arrival of our twins. I should be feeling every kick and twist my babies make.

I’m tired of being disappointed, I’m tired of being jealous that for some it’s so easy, I’m tired of the envy of watching someone grow a child and experience something that should have been mine. I’m tired of being beyond pissed hearing someone complain about their pregnancy when I would just be grateful for even the worst morning sickness.

I’m tired of not being able to feel the joy of a positive test because I know at the end of the day it will break my heart when I start to bleed. I’m tired of pretending that I don’t care while I’m breaking inside. I’m tired of holding back all of my tears and feeling this awful lump in my throat. I’m tired of feeling a loneliness no one can fill.

I’m tired of hiding in a friends bathroom as I sob silently to myself because I hate myself for being so mad at my best friend for having something I can’t. I’m tired of losing my faith in a God I scream out for and I hear no answer. I’m tired of lying about going out so I can have a breakdown alone in a parking lot while I beat my steering wheel till my hands bruise.

I’m tired of this body and the failure it’s given me. I want to quit so badly and start over, I’m tired of being told not to worry and to not stress over it, I’m tired of living this form of shame that my body can’t do the one thing it was designed to do.

I’m just so tired of feeling like my husband doesn’t have a real wife. I’m tired of feeling so hollow, I’m tired of watching everyone’s life move on while I feel trapped. I’m tired being looked at like I’m a crazy person by doctors who won’t listen to me. I’m tired of fighting for someone to listen to me.

I’m tired of having no one to talk to about this feeling, I’m tired of feeling like no one is in my corner. I’m tired of feeling this unbearable pain that nothing can ease.

I’m tired of being so fucking tired.

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