For those of us that have gone through a miscarriage it can be very difficult for us to be happy for anyone else that’s having a happy and healthy pregnancy. It’s a constant reminder of the life we once carried that was unforgivably taken from us, but for some it can be almost healing. It can help us over come the fear that we’ll never be able to have a happy and healthy baby of our own.
For those of you that don’t know my husband and I, back in November, found out that we were pregnant. We were over the moon as we had been trying for nearly two years to conceive. On December 5th I started to bleed, I went to the hospital a week later as my doctor’s would not see me will December 21st. I figured if this was a miscarriage like the one I had in April then there was nothing I or anyone could do, but when I went to the emergency room the doctors said my levels were great and the babies looked fine. I was absolutely floored. We weren’t just blessed with one baby, but two! We were going to have twins!
Fast forward to Christmas morning, Nick and I had prepared to tell our parents. Both my mom and Nick’s mom were so excited to become grandparents. It was the best Christmas ever, we couldn’t wait to start planning we even picked out names. On December 28th we had an ultrasound appointment, the doctors couldn’t find my babies, just two empty sacks, by them I should have been nine weeks. Over the next month and back to back appointments. I was told I was having what is called a blighted ovum, basically the egg was fertilized and had snuggled in nicely, for the next nine months, but somewhere around six weeks, my body decided my babies were good enough, my levels continued to rise and I had no indication something was wrong.
At just three days shy of thirteen weeks, I had to have a D&E to have my babies removed, My body had not recognized that my babies were gone and the pregnancy had ended. My heart shattered that day, my whole world had caved in on me and there was absolutely nothing I or anyone could do to stop it. I spent the night before saying my final farewells to the children I will never hold, hug, kiss, or cuddle. I had no choice but to deal with the emotional and physical pain I was dealt. I stitched myself back together with all the my broken hopes and dreams and went on with life as though everything was okay.
I did everything I could to keep my mind off the pain, when one day while helping a friend, I found out she was pregnant, just days shy of my loss. I had expected my heart to shatter and fill with anger and rage, but it didn’t. I didn’t hate her for having something I was denied, I was filled with such joy and excitement. I poured all my love, hopes, and dreams into this tiny little thing that I have never even met yet. I thought I was going to just be this forever broken creature but then, just when I thought my life was dark, this tiny little baby no bigger then a poppy-seed brought me so much hope.
Everyday since I have poured my love and devotion into this beautiful creature. It’s given me the strength to know that one day I’ll have a baby of my own. I’ll one day be the mother I’ve always dreamt of being, but until that day I will love my new Godbaby with everything I am, with this tiny miracle I’ll become the best mom I can be, but for right now I’ll be the best Godmother I can be.