Everyone talks about how beautiful and magical pregnancy can be and don’t get me wrong, pregnancy IS magical and beautiful, but it can also be stressful and downright mentally taxing. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant with my first and I wouldn’t change that for the world, but no one ever talked to me or in general really about the cons of pregnancy. The getting up to pee 25 times a night, headaches, backaches, leg cramps, heartburn, and all the physical demands of pregnancy are to be expected, but no one talks about the mental strain of pregnancy.
In the begging of my pregnancy I was ecstatic seeing those two pink lines I couldn’t wait for our first ultrasound, our gender reveal, baby shower, to see my baby bump, and feel little kicks. I was excited, but the mental strain started to creep in. The questions of whether I was going to be a good mother, our financial status, not being able to be a stay at home mom, freaking out over if the car seat we got was safe for our son, the works! I started to slowly hate my body I had worked so hard on mentally to accept and love.
I started to become unrecognizable from the person I was before I became pregnant. I am constantly worried about things wildly beyond my control and the building stress is causing more and more panic attacks then I can handle. No one tells you that no matter how many people you have supporting you, you have a constant feeling of being alone. Like the entire weight of the world is on your shoulders and it’s your job to solely fix every single one of them.
I have struggled with stress and anxiety for most of my teenage and adult life, but nothing to this extent. I usually would have more good days then bad, but this is different, this is constant and consistent. It’s an ever nagging that you can quite kick, it’s so loud it keeps you awake at night. Walking through life like this is awful, you’re constantly walking in a zombie like state. Everyone will ask you how you are and the only thing you can muster to say is “I’m tired” because it’s true! You’re mentally exhausted from bearing all this weight alone, but you’ll be damned for talking about how shitty pregnancy can be not matter how badly you wanted it and worked hard through infertility struggles to get here.
Grinning and bearing it is not enough! We need help to carry the mental and physical burden. Not only are mothers being poked and prodded like lab rats, we are also mentally weighed down by everything else. So please as a friend, family member, or partner, please for the love of God help the person carrying your child! Help in even its smallest forms helps lift a huge amount of the burden off of us. Please be kind to us, we have insane amounts of hormones flowing through our system and a tiny human kicking us in the most uncomfortable ways. We’re doing the best we can while trying to grow an eyeball over here. Please cut us some slack.
My little one all snug and safe inside me I marvel at the little kicks you give me. Those tiny little reminders that I am not alone and the love I have for you is more then you’ll ever know. I’ve dreamed about these moments that were only a fantasy that one day I’ll have you in my arms and you’ll be safe with me.
You’ll never know the nights I’ve lied awake in bed making sure I feel you move so I don’t fill with dread. You’ll never know how much I worried before you even came of all the little things that danced inside my brain. From your car seat to the shots you’ll have when you’re born. I’ll worry about you all the time until you’re safe and warm.
I love you little one more then you’ll ever know and I can’t wait till you are here so I can watch you grow. You’ll be so beautiful, so loving, and so strong and still I’ll worry the whole way long. You’ll start to grow and run around and play and I’ll have new worries to fill my day, but I’ll always be here for the times you can’t be strong because I’m you mom and it’s my job to carry you along.
I’ll hold you tight and make the nightmares go away. I’ll kiss your tears and make the monsters go away. I’ll always be your shelter even when you’re grown and far away. I’ll love you till then end of time and cherish you every day.
I’ll love you for forever and I’ll love you still today until I hold you in my arms safe inside my belly you will stay.
Nothing pisses me off more than seeing someone get taken advantage of. It’s the one thing that can turn a kind-hearted person cold. I have unfortunately been the victim of this, but I refuse to let it change me, I won’t stop doing what I can to help someone. You need food? I got you. Need a place to sleep? My guest rooms always open. I will drop what I’m doing to try and help you, but if you bite my hand I’ll think twice before I try to help you again.
You will at some point in your life run into someone who will stab you in the back regardless of the things you did to help them. To me I don’t want any reward or a pat on the back, I don’t want recognition for any good deed I’ve done a simple thank you would be fine. Unfortunately the past several months I had to deal with such nonsense. I opened up my home and my life to someone I thought I could trust, someone who I thought I could help. They moved out and I was nothing but happy for them, after four years they were back on their feet and making a life for themselves.
We never hounded them for rent or bills when they were late because we wanted them to save what they could and pay us a minimal amount. We never made them feel like they weren’t welcome and we did what we could to help them. Over time we slowly realized that no matter what we did to try and help it was never good enough. The problems they very clearly created for themselves became apparent and they blamed their poor choices on those around them. When they moved I thought they had finally grown up and that maybe we made a difference in their circumstances.
Boy did that backfire. As soon as they moved out we became the target of their anger. They did nothing, but be nasty to use behind our backs, and that hurt, but unfortunately this wasn’t totally unexpected. I did what I could to ignore it, but when my family was being dragged into it I saw red. I did what I felt was necessary for my own personal justice. I wanted to set the record straight, but I soon realized I was turning into them. I stepped back and let it go. I knew that the people I love knew what kind of people my husband and I are and that they knew better than to believe the awful things they said.
It sucks that we had to deal with this mess, but the changes that came from it were nothing short of amazing. My house finally felt like home I actually wanted to be home instead of at work. No slamming doors, no more walking on eggshells, no more screaming, no more verbal abuse, no more holes in my walls from what seemed like endless fights, no more waiting for the other shoe to drop. There was finally peace in my home, we finally felt comfortable and my home felt lighter.
We were able to actually save money and no longer live paycheck to paycheck. I was able to start renovations on my home and I was able to rekindle a 20-year long friendship that they had torn apart. I will always be grateful for the lessons they taught us, like how to be better parents, better partners, and how to solve our own problems instead of complaining and blaming others. At the end of all of this, I just want to say I do not hate these people, I don’t wish them ill will. I wish for them to do better and become better. I think Tupac said it best. ” Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat just not at my table.”
It’s clear that as we age the things we once did hold no appeal to us anymore and that’s okay. We’re allowed to grow up and move past things that no longer serve us. We’re allowed to move on from a job, friendship, relationship, habits. We’re allowed to want to better ourselves and our lives.
I’m not saying throw your current life away and start fresh because let’s be honest that’s a very long and difficult process, but you are allowed to move on from something that no longer works for you. For example, those old pair of skinny jeans in the closet that you’ve had since high school? The ones that you promise you’ll fit into next year? You’re allowed to get rid of them and feel sad about it. They no longer served you, they took up space where a new pair could be, they only taunted you by hanging there. But you’re allowed to be sad about the good times you had and the memories you made with them.
Ya see life is like those old jeans! We all grow up and sometimes people and relationships that no longer help us grow and only serve to stop you from growing into the best person you can be. It’s okay to feel sad about it, it’s okay to remember the good times you all had, it’s okay to be angry about it. That’s part of growing up we have to sometimes get rid of the old so something better and new can take its place.
I’ve had my fair share of letting go and some of them were very hard to do, but I realized that if the relationship, friendship, job, or place doesn’t grow with me I have to let it go or else I won’t be able to. It’s like a plant, one the plant grows and becomes too big for its pot it must be transferred to something bigger so it can thrive. It doesn’t mean the old pot did have value or wasn’t good enough it just means for that pot would not help the plant grow into its fullest potential.
So don’t be afraid to let go of things that no longer serve your growth, you don’t owe anything to anyone or any place that no longer helps you thrive and become the best you that you can be.
The holidays for most are a joyful time, filled with the love and laughter of friends and family. Unfortunately for others it can be a dark time full of what could have been and times of sorrow. For me personally Christmas is a hard time, around this time last year my husband and I had found out we were pregnant with twins, we anxiously awaited Christmas morning when our parents opened up their presents and found the ultrasound of their soon to be grandchildren.
Christmas day had arrived and everyone was so excited, the amount of joy we all experienced was something out of a movie, we laughed, we cried, we toasted to having two bundle of joys in the next coming months. The next month our dreams and happiness came crashing down as we had learned we had lost not one, but both of our babies. We were crushed, our joy turned into sorrow, I never fully recovered from what happened. Every month that goes by I think of how old they would have been and how happy we would have been. I feel this deep guilt, like I jipped my family out of their grandchildren when in reality there was nothing I could do, nothing I could have changed to change the outcome.
The holidays for some are a dark time, but we try to get into the spirit of things, we try to share in the joy with others even when we’re hurting deep down. Sometimes we forget that not everyone’s holidays are happy ones. Some have lost loved ones, some may have lost everything. We try to enjoy ourselves as best we can, but for some it may not be good enough. Under all the smiles and shared laughter, some deep down are hiding the hurt and grief so we don’t sully the holidays with sadness.
As I sit and write this I get waves of anxiety and sadness thinking about how joyful I was last December. Most of the people involved have moved on, but I can’t, I still find myself looking at the empty nursery, my old pregnancy tests that still read positive, and my one and only ultrasound photo. The only pieces of evident’s that my babies existed. It’s a hard time, but I push past the feeling for my loved ones. I still love the smile I see on my nephews face when he runs out to the Christmas tree to open all his presents, I still love going over to my mother in laws and having Christmas morning breakfast, I still love seeing my mom and eating the tenderloin my father use to make for us every Christmas day for dinner.
Please don’t forget the people who are having a hard time around the holidays, we want to share in the joy and fun too. We might not be really open about it and we may seem sad at times, but it will pass, sometimes we just need to be pulled out of our dark and twisty place. We do love the holidays and we want to have fun too, dont forget us please.
Have you ever just laid in bed and thought about the life you thought you would have at your current age? I have, I never would have thought my life would end up the way it has. I thought I would be a stay at home mom with a nice house, nice car, well-paying career, vacations around the world, and we would never have to worry about money.
I had this idea and my life is drastically different then what I thought it would be and that’s okay! Over the past year or so I’ve come to realize that the situations we’re facing aren’t written in stone. We won’t have to struggle for the rest of our lives and one day we’ll have a nice big house and new cars and I’ll get to be able to do the things I love and it’s okay if it doesn’t happen right now because I know it will someday.
We’ve been conditioned to believe that we are stuck with the cards we are dealt with in life and that our dreams and aspirations are unattainable and that’s simply not true. We won’t just wake up one day and have all the things we want, because we have to work for them first. There is nothing on this planet worth having if you didn’t have to work your ass off for it. If someone gave you a new car, would you understand the value of it? Would you appreciate anything that was handed to you? Now, you’re probably like “Fuck ya Tori! I’d love it if someone gave me a new car!” Sure, you’d love it, but you wouldn’t appreciate it, love and appreciation are two different things. You can love something, but not understand it’s value. You can appreciate something but underestimate the blood sweat and tears that went into making it.
When you’ve actually put in the blood, sweat, and tears into building something or creating something you value it more then if someone just handed it to you. That’s how life works if someone made our life easier we wouldn’t really value it. We have to work towards our dreams and aspirations every day. You have to put in the time and effort it takes to get to where you want to be because when you get there the accomplishment tastes that much sweeter.
Stop breaking yourself down by blaming everything and anything as to why you can’t do what you want and what makes you happy. Who cares if it takes you several years to accomplish? Does it matter when you get there or Does it matter that you one day will be there? Don’t set your dreams on someone else’s time schedule, who cares that Jessica got to her dream life before you did? Why does any of that matter to you? Instead of being jealous that someone had what you want, take that and hit the ground running. Take the steps to accomplish your goals and dreams.
It’s never too late to change how your story ends, trust me sweetheart’s your stories are just beginning.
Looking back on your life, 5 years flys by so fast doesn’t it? Something that feels like it was just yesterday is now half a decade past.
I’ve caught myself recently thinking of how fast these past five years have gone by. Five years ago I was engaged to and entirely different person and today it’s been two years since I married my soulmate. I’ve hit my lowest of lows after several miscarriages and the highest of highs after excelling at my work and studies.
I’ve grown so much from the person I thought I was, five years ago I was a shell of a person. I just went along with the ebb and flow of other people’s choices. I lost my license to a DUI, lost my job, threw away a chance at going to a film school in Florida, and moved away from everything and everyone I knew to be with my then fiancé while he attended law school.
I was comfortable in the life I had, I had no ambition to become anything more then what I was. I was fine with being a housewife,a silent partner, to only speak when spoken to. I thought this was what love was. I didn’t have a bad relationship, he wasn’t a bad person. I just wasn’t the person he fell in love with. That person had died a long time ago.
I finally at the beginning of 2016 I decided to break my engagement and move back home. It broke my heart, I spent nearly 5 years with the same man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I loved him, but not the way he needed me to, not that way I wanted to. We both deserved better from each other, I moved back to start my life from scratch, I had no job, and no ambition until I met Nick.
Nick and I met at a mutual friends party, we hung out and became friends, one night after we both unknowingly wore the same millennium falcon t-shirts we decided to exchange numbers. A couple of weeks later, he had called and asked me on a date and from there the rest was history.
We bought a home together that June, engaged that July and married in April of 2017. It was the best decision I ever made, I can’t picture going through everything I’ve been through without him by my side. It hasn’t always been easy, but we’ve made it through the other side together.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is that, all of that happened in a five year span and I didn’t plan any of it. It all went by so fast, in the blink of and eye everything changed. I’ve been able to become the person I was meant to be and my ex was able to become the person he was meant to be. We’ve both found people who make us whole, we learned from each other about what we want out of a partner and what we want from ourselves.
I never once regretted dating my ex, he just wasn’t the person for me. I’m glad we’re both happy and I’m glad we both became better people. I’ve learned that we have to accept the small amounts of growth we make everyday and we can’t be afraid to take the chances that scare us. Soon the small things and the small chances become big changes, after 5 years we’ve become totally different people, we’ve become better than we were before.
Don’t be afraid to take the leap, if you do you just might fly.
I seems that with everything going inn our lives, sometimes we sit and think, why has God abandoned us? Why is he allowing these awful this to happen?
Have we ever stopped to think maybe we pissed God off enough to create another great disaster like the flood? I mean he did say he would never do something like that again right? He wouldn’t just Etch A Sketch us off the face of the earth right? Over the past couple of weeks this is what keeps me up at night, why would and all powerful and benevolent being let such shitty things happen to his so called children? Then I remembered……
GOD’S NO A GENIE!
He isn’t here to grant all our wishes, he’s acting like a parent, he’s trying to teach us how to function on our own. He like any good parent has to let us wander around for a bit in the hopes that we learned from his teaching and we don’t catch the world on fire by or own stupidity. God gave us this amazing world to live and thrive in and we treat it and everyone around us like we’re all not giant miracles to begin with, like dad gave us his 1967 Mustang and like children do we slammed that sucker directly through the neighbors fence and we don’t care!
Humanity is on fire and we can’t see a drop of water in sight. Most days I look at my bank account and every little thing thats wrong and think “What the Hell man?”. Why does even the simplest of this have to be the most difficult challenges to over come? It’s very easy for us to hate him, like a child who didn’t get what they wanted, it’s difficult to love something that doesn’t answer us when we have questions and doesn’t really help when we ask.
I try every day to find a reason behind the struggle, I try to find the lesson I have to learn. I know God doesn’t give us more then we can bare, but why is it that I feel like I’m constantly just keeping my head above water? I know there has to be a reason for it and I hope I can see the bigger picture. God isn’t some angry kid on an ant hill with a magnifying glass just picking us off for fun. He’s got a billion kids to look after and not even an all powerful God can keep track of all those kids. We each get out blessing when we truly need them, not when we want them.
God sends us signs everyday that things will get a little better, that we’re getting closer to the bigger picture. I have to have faith in what I am going through won’t last forever and that one day the life God has envisioned for me will some day happen. I have just have to have the strength to believe in something I can’t see yet, I have to believe that even in the darkest of times I can’t find a small bit of light.
God’s doing the best he can to keep us happy and alive in a time when we at every corner try to find a reason to hate him. Remember he woke you up today, he gave you the strength to get up and go about your business. Trust him to help you, trust that there is something bigger and better for you at the end. Trust me if the Jew’s had enough faith to follow Moses through the desert for 40 years, you can have enough faith to trust in God that he has something better waiting for you.
I’m so tired of failure, my souls breaks every months. Every months it’s the same we try, we wait, we test, I bleed then the cycle repeats it’s self. I’m tired of feeling this emptiness in me, the place where my child should be, by now my belly would be huge with two beautiful little souls. I should be nesting and prepping for the arrival of our twins. I should be feeling every kick and twist my babies make.
I’m tired of being disappointed, I’m tired of being jealous that for some it’s so easy, I’m tired of the envy of watching someone grow a child and experience something that should have been mine. I’m tired of being beyond pissed hearing someone complain about their pregnancy when I would just be grateful for even the worst morning sickness.
I’m tired of not being able to feel the joy of a positive test because I know at the end of the day it will break my heart when I start to bleed. I’m tired of pretending that I don’t care while I’m breaking inside. I’m tired of holding back all of my tears and feeling this awful lump in my throat. I’m tired of feeling a loneliness no one can fill.
I’m tired of hiding in a friends bathroom as I sob silently to myself because I hate myself for being so mad at my best friend for having something I can’t. I’m tired of losing my faith in a God I scream out for and I hear no answer. I’m tired of lying about going out so I can have a breakdown alone in a parking lot while I beat my steering wheel till my hands bruise.
I’m tired of this body and the failure it’s given me. I want to quit so badly and start over, I’m tired of being told not to worry and to not stress over it, I’m tired of living this form of shame that my body can’t do the one thing it was designed to do.
I’m just so tired of feeling like my husband doesn’t have a real wife. I’m tired of feeling so hollow, I’m tired of watching everyone’s life move on while I feel trapped. I’m tired being looked at like I’m a crazy person by doctors who won’t listen to me. I’m tired of fighting for someone to listen to me.
I’m tired of having no one to talk to about this feeling, I’m tired of feeling like no one is in my corner. I’m tired of feeling this unbearable pain that nothing can ease.
I’m tired of being so fucking tired.
Have you ever had a side conversation in your head? Like for instance, when a person cuts in line in front of you at the store, do you ever just have a mental argument with them in your head? Lord know I do, I have one at lest six times a day,it’s the one thing that keeps me from not just Hulk shaming them into the concrete, cause ya know you have to act civilized and such. But then is taking someones shit just too much? When does that green monster show its face and we lose it?
Humans can only take so much from someone or society until we eventually lose our minds on someone or something. I mean there’s countless videos on YouTube of people loosing their minds at fast food workers, neighbors, ect. We see it as a crazy person just being..well crazy, when in reality that person might not in fact be crazy at all, all the crap they’ve taken has just bubbled over and spilled out into the real world.
Trust me I’ve had my own outbursts of crazy, not my proudest moment when I went to the Wawa (a local convenience store) and this woman was standing in front of the doors just texting on her phone. I was having a really bad day and I lost my mind at her. I looked at her and said “If you’re gonna go in then go! Don’t just stand there and waste space like an asshole!” She promptly gave me a well deserved dirty look and walked in.
Well I’m not a crazy person, not clinically diagnosed anyways, but I lost my mind at a woman who really didn’t deserve my nonsense. Usually I’m pretty good at telling people off who need to be told off, but sometimes innocent people get caught in my cross hairs. I am the type of person who refuses to take shit from anyone and in my line of work I need it, but I have to consciously separate the two when I am out in public.
We shouldn’t have to take shit from anyone, but when we don’t stick up for ourselves or call someone out for being an asshole, we start to just take it from everyone everywhere until we all eventually turn up on YouTube yelling at some poor Walmart cashier who let’s be honest doesn’t get paid enough to deal with your shit. We have to learn to only take as much shit as we can handle and we need an outlet for that pissed offness we feel to go. We also need to learn not to take so much shit from people, so if someone cuts in line in front of you, make it known you were there first and stand your ground.
We don’t have to take anyone’s shit and we shouldn’t have to. If I need to become some giant green super human to do it then by God I should have the right to!