Dark and Twisty Christmas.

The holidays for most are a joyful time, filled with the love and laughter of friends and family. Unfortunately for others it can be a dark time full of what could have been and times of sorrow. For me personally Christmas is a hard time, around this time last year my husband and I had found out we were pregnant with twins, we anxiously awaited Christmas morning when our parents opened up their presents and found the ultrasound of their soon to be grandchildren.

Christmas day had arrived and everyone was so excited, the amount of joy we all experienced was something out of a movie, we laughed, we cried, we toasted to having two bundle of joys in the next coming months. The next month our dreams and happiness came crashing down as we had learned we had lost not one, but both of our babies. We were crushed, our joy turned into sorrow, I never fully recovered from what happened. Every month that goes by I think of how old they would have been and how happy we would have been. I feel this deep guilt, like I jipped my family out of their grandchildren when in reality there was nothing I could do, nothing I could have changed to change the outcome.

The holidays for some are a dark time, but we try to get into the spirit of things, we try to share in the joy with others even when we’re hurting deep down. Sometimes we forget that not everyone’s holidays are happy ones. Some have lost loved ones, some may have lost everything. We try to enjoy ourselves as best we can, but for some it may not be good enough. Under all the smiles and shared laughter, some deep down are hiding the hurt and grief so we don’t sully the holidays with sadness.

As I sit and write this I get waves of anxiety and sadness thinking about how joyful I was last December. Most of the people involved have moved on, but I can’t, I still find myself looking at the empty nursery, my old pregnancy tests that still read positive, and my one and only ultrasound photo. The only pieces of evident’s that my babies existed. It’s a hard time, but I push past the feeling for my loved ones. I still love the smile I see on my nephews face when he runs out to the Christmas tree to open all his presents, I still love going over to my mother in laws and having Christmas morning breakfast, I still love seeing my mom and eating the tenderloin my father use to make for us every Christmas day for dinner.

Please don’t forget the people who are having a hard time around the holidays, we want to share in the joy and fun too. We might not be really open about it and we may seem sad at times, but it will pass, sometimes we just need to be pulled out of our dark and twisty place. We do love the holidays and we want to have fun too, dont forget us please.

The Card’s We’re Delt

Have you ever just laid in bed and thought about the life you thought you would have at your current age? I have, I never would have thought my life would end up the way it has. I thought I would be a stay at home mom with a nice house, nice car, well-paying career, vacations around the world, and we would never have to worry about money.

I had this idea and my life is drastically different then what I thought it would be and that’s okay! Over the past year or so I’ve come to realize that the situations we’re facing aren’t written in stone. We won’t have to struggle for the rest of our lives and one day we’ll have a nice big house and new cars and I’ll get to be able to do the things I love and it’s okay if it doesn’t happen right now because I know it will someday.

We’ve been conditioned to believe that we are stuck with the cards we are dealt with in life and that our dreams and aspirations are unattainable and that’s simply not true. We won’t just wake up one day and have all the things we want, because we have to work for them first. There is nothing on this planet worth having if you didn’t have to work your ass off for it. If someone gave you a new car, would you understand the value of it? Would you appreciate anything that was handed to you? Now, you’re probably like “Fuck ya Tori! I’d love it if someone gave me a new car!” Sure, you’d love it, but you wouldn’t appreciate it, love and appreciation are two different things. You can love something, but not understand it’s value. You can appreciate something but underestimate the blood sweat and tears that went into making it.

When you’ve actually put in the blood, sweat, and tears into building something or creating something you value it more then if someone just handed it to you. That’s how life works if someone made our life easier we wouldn’t really value it. We have to work towards our dreams and aspirations every day. You have to put in the time and effort it takes to get to where you want to be because when you get there the accomplishment tastes that much sweeter.

Stop breaking yourself down by blaming everything and anything as to why you can’t do what you want and what makes you happy. Who cares if it takes you several years to accomplish? Does it matter when you get there or Does it matter that you one day will be there? Don’t set your dreams on someone else’s time schedule, who cares that Jessica got to her dream life before you did? Why does any of that matter to you? Instead of being jealous that someone had what you want, take that and hit the ground running. Take the steps to accomplish your goals and dreams.

It’s never too late to change how your story ends, trust me sweetheart’s your stories are just beginning.

5 Years.

Looking back on your life, 5 years flys by so fast doesn’t it? Something that feels like it was just yesterday is now half a decade past.

I’ve caught myself recently thinking of how fast these past five years have gone by. Five years ago I was engaged to and entirely different person and today it’s been two years since I married my soulmate. I’ve hit my lowest of lows after several miscarriages and the highest of highs after excelling at my work and studies.

I’ve grown so much from the person I thought I was, five years ago I was a shell of a person. I just went along with the ebb and flow of other people’s choices. I lost my license to a DUI, lost my job, threw away a chance at going to a film school in Florida, and moved away from everything and everyone I knew to be with my then fiancé while he attended law school.

I was comfortable in the life I had, I had no ambition to become anything more then what I was. I was fine with being a housewife,a silent partner, to only speak when spoken to. I thought this was what love was. I didn’t have a bad relationship, he wasn’t a bad person. I just wasn’t the person he fell in love with. That person had died a long time ago.

I finally at the beginning of 2016 I decided to break my engagement and move back home. It broke my heart, I spent nearly 5 years with the same man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I loved him, but not the way he needed me to, not that way I wanted to. We both deserved better from each other, I moved back to start my life from scratch, I had no job, and no ambition until I met Nick.

Nick and I met at a mutual friends party, we hung out and became friends, one night after we both unknowingly wore the same millennium falcon t-shirts we decided to exchange numbers. A couple of weeks later, he had called and asked me on a date and from there the rest was history.

We bought a home together that June, engaged that July and married in April of 2017. It was the best decision I ever made, I can’t picture going through everything I’ve been through without him by my side. It hasn’t always been easy, but we’ve made it through the other side together.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is that, all of that happened in a five year span and I didn’t plan any of it. It all went by so fast, in the blink of and eye everything changed. I’ve been able to become the person I was meant to be and my ex was able to become the person he was meant to be. We’ve both found people who make us whole, we learned from each other about what we want out of a partner and what we want from ourselves.

I never once regretted dating my ex, he just wasn’t the person for me. I’m glad we’re both happy and I’m glad we both became better people. I’ve learned that we have to accept the small amounts of growth we make everyday and we can’t be afraid to take the chances that scare us. Soon the small things and the small chances become big changes, after 5 years we’ve become totally different people, we’ve become better than we were before.

Don’t be afraid to take the leap, if you do you just might fly.

God’s Taken The Wheel And Locked Humanity In The Trunk.

I seems that with everything going inn our lives, sometimes we sit and think, why has God abandoned us? Why is he allowing these awful this to happen?

Have we ever stopped to think maybe we pissed God off enough to create another great disaster like the flood? I mean he did say he would never do something like that again right? He wouldn’t just Etch A Sketch us off the face of the earth right? Over the past couple of weeks this is what keeps me up at night, why would and all powerful and benevolent being let such shitty things happen to his so called children? Then I remembered……

GOD’S NO A GENIE!

He isn’t here to grant all our wishes, he’s acting like a parent, he’s trying to teach us how to function on our own. He like any good parent has to let us wander around for a bit in the hopes that we learned from his teaching and we don’t catch the world on fire by or own stupidity. God gave us this amazing world to live and thrive in and we treat it and everyone around us like we’re all not giant miracles  to begin with, like dad gave us his 1967 Mustang and like children do we slammed that sucker directly through the neighbors fence and we don’t care!

Humanity is on fire and we can’t see a drop of water in sight. Most days I look at my bank account and every little thing thats wrong and think “What the Hell man?”. Why does even the simplest of this have to be the most difficult challenges to over come? It’s very easy for us to hate him, like a child who didn’t get what they wanted, it’s difficult to love something that doesn’t answer us when we have questions and doesn’t really help when we ask.

I try every day to find a reason behind the struggle, I try to find the lesson I have to learn. I know God doesn’t give us more then we can bare, but why is it that I feel like I’m constantly just keeping my head above water? I know there has to be a reason for it and I hope I can see the bigger picture. God isn’t some angry kid on an ant hill with a magnifying glass just picking us off for fun. He’s got a billion kids to look after and not even an all powerful God can keep track of all those kids. We each get out blessing when we truly need them, not when we want them.

God sends us signs everyday that things will get a little better, that we’re getting closer to the bigger picture. I have to have faith in what I am going through won’t last forever and that one day the life God has envisioned for me will some day happen. I have just have to have the strength to believe in something I can’t see yet, I have to believe that even in the darkest of times I can’t find a small bit of light.

God’s doing the best he can to keep us happy and alive in a time when we at every corner try to find a reason to hate him. Remember he woke you up today, he gave you the strength to get up and go about your business. Trust him to help you, trust that there is something bigger and better for you  at the end. Trust me if the Jew’s had enough faith to follow Moses through the desert for 40 years, you can have enough faith to trust in God that he has something better waiting for you. do-you-believe-that-if-god-brings-you-to-it-35084929.png

 

I’m so tired

I’m so tired of failure, my souls breaks every months. Every months it’s the same we try, we wait, we test, I bleed then the cycle repeats it’s self. I’m tired of feeling this emptiness in me, the place where my child should be, by now my belly would be huge with two beautiful little souls. I should be nesting and prepping for the arrival of our twins. I should be feeling every kick and twist my babies make.

I’m tired of being disappointed, I’m tired of being jealous that for some it’s so easy, I’m tired of the envy of watching someone grow a child and experience something that should have been mine. I’m tired of being beyond pissed hearing someone complain about their pregnancy when I would just be grateful for even the worst morning sickness.

I’m tired of not being able to feel the joy of a positive test because I know at the end of the day it will break my heart when I start to bleed. I’m tired of pretending that I don’t care while I’m breaking inside. I’m tired of holding back all of my tears and feeling this awful lump in my throat. I’m tired of feeling a loneliness no one can fill.

I’m tired of hiding in a friends bathroom as I sob silently to myself because I hate myself for being so mad at my best friend for having something I can’t. I’m tired of losing my faith in a God I scream out for and I hear no answer. I’m tired of lying about going out so I can have a breakdown alone in a parking lot while I beat my steering wheel till my hands bruise.

I’m tired of this body and the failure it’s given me. I want to quit so badly and start over, I’m tired of being told not to worry and to not stress over it, I’m tired of living this form of shame that my body can’t do the one thing it was designed to do.

I’m just so tired of feeling like my husband doesn’t have a real wife. I’m tired of feeling so hollow, I’m tired of watching everyone’s life move on while I feel trapped. I’m tired being looked at like I’m a crazy person by doctors who won’t listen to me. I’m tired of fighting for someone to listen to me.

I’m tired of having no one to talk to about this feeling, I’m tired of feeling like no one is in my corner. I’m tired of feeling this unbearable pain that nothing can ease.

I’m tired of being so fucking tired.

The Straw That Broke The Camels Back.

 

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Have you ever had a side conversation in your head? Like for instance, when a person cuts in line in front of you at the store, do you ever just have a mental argument with them in your head? Lord know I do, I have one at lest six times a day,it’s the one thing that keeps me from not just Hulk shaming them into the concrete, cause ya know you have to act civilized and such. But then is taking someones shit just too much? When does that green monster show its face and we lose it?

Humans can only take so much from someone or society until we eventually lose our minds on someone or something. I mean there’s countless videos on YouTube of people loosing their minds at fast food workers, neighbors, ect. We see it as a crazy person just being..well crazy, when in reality that person might not in fact be crazy at all, all the crap they’ve taken has just bubbled over and spilled out into the real world.

Trust me I’ve had my own outbursts of crazy, not my proudest moment when I went to the Wawa (a local convenience store) and this woman was standing in front of the doors just texting on her phone. I was having a really bad day and I lost my mind at her. I looked at her and said “If you’re gonna go in then go! Don’t just stand there and waste space like an asshole!” She promptly gave me a well deserved dirty look and walked in.

Well I’m not a crazy person, not clinically diagnosed anyways, but I lost my mind at a woman who really didn’t deserve my nonsense. Usually I’m pretty good at telling people off who need to be told off, but sometimes innocent people get caught in my cross hairs. I am the type of person who refuses to take shit from anyone and in my line of work I need it, but I have to consciously separate the two when I am out in public.

We shouldn’t have to take shit from anyone, but when we don’t stick up for ourselves or call someone out for being an asshole, we start to just take it from everyone everywhere until we all eventually turn up on YouTube yelling at some poor Walmart cashier who let’s be honest doesn’t get paid enough to deal with your shit. We have to learn to only take as much shit as we can handle and we need an outlet for that pissed offness we feel to go. We also need to learn not to take so much shit from people, so if someone cuts in line in front of you, make it known you were there first and stand your ground.

We don’t have to take anyone’s shit and we shouldn’t have to. If I need to become some giant green super human to do it then by God I should have the right to!

Child In The Fox Hole:Bitter Parents and Custody Battles.

Co parenting can be a battlefield, a total war zone of insults, hate, and a child stuck in a fox hole, to scared to take sides. For those of you who don’t know what co parenting is, it’s when a divorced or split couple have shared custody of a child and they attempt to work together for the benefit of the child. In theory this sound like a win win situation and for some this works out very well, but what happens when one side is just using the minor child as a pawn in their master plan to make the other parents life miserable?

Everyday single parents go through this type of situation and unfortunately the child is caught in the cross fire. Two people so engulfed in hate for the other that the one thing that never had a choice is stuck in the middle, used as a pawn in this war they never asked to be started. The damage done to these kids will shape them into the adults they will eventually become, it’s like the experiment with houseplants one plant was raised and nurtured and told kind words everyday while the other was neglected and screamed at. One thrived and the other became wilted and dry, imagine a child growing up in a volatile situation, will that child thrive or wilt away?

I do not have children and God knows I don’t claim to be any kind of expert on the subject, but I have witnessed a mothers love for her child and a father’s bitterness and hate for that child’s mother and a child stuck in the middle of a bitter battle. I see this situation from the outside, but I see the pain it can cause everyone involved. I’ve held a mother as she cried for her baby to come home after a neglectful father kept her child for his own monetary benefit. I’ve hugged a stepfather who raised a sweet little boy into the bright young seven-year old he is today as he cried and screamed about the injustice done, by a biological father who left his son to be raised by his mother alone with little to no help.

I’ve seen two people who would do anything to protect, nurture, and care for this little boy who against every awful and hurtful thing his father has done and said has become a grade A student, a loving big brother, and all around amazing child. It breaks my heart when a child is stuck in the middle of a bitter battle they never asked to be apart of. A battle where no one really wins, a battle where no matter what side you take someone gets hurt.

When the hurtful words fly and the screaming starts, is anyone thinking of the small quivering child huddled in the corner crying because all he wants is for the fighting to stop? The child who thinks it’s all his fault, the child who just wants to make it better, but has no clue where to start. Sadly, when someone is vindictive and bitter they lose sight of the people they hurt, they don’t see how its effecting a child who didn’t ask for any of this. They just see the damage they can cause to the other parent, they just see the dollar signs from the income tax they can get from the child they could care less about. They only see for themselves.

Co parenting with a toxic parent, is awful, it makes life a living hell for everyone involved. At the end of the day co parenting should be about putting your differences aside and helping to raise a child in the best way possible, you put the squabbling aside and you do everything you can to make sure you are raising a productive member of society. A child should feel loved, cared for, and most of all safe. It’s not a child’s job to fix a parents problems and they shouldn’t be made to feel like they have to.

If you are a parent with shared custody a child, please put your bitterness and hate aside and just help raise your child with as much love as you can give. Imagine what they could become if they were raised in a household where they received nothing, but love from both parents. Imagine the man or woman they can become, help them become the change you want to see in yourself and others. Imagine what a life that would be if we could cease fire and save that child from the fox hole.